


Just Guys Being Dudes

by cyber-netes (oui_oui_mon_ami)



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology, The Iliad - Homer, The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Patroclus is buff in this fic, Pining, Slow Burn, and he's taller than Achilles don't fight me on this, he's a strong boy who works out, headcanons, i guess? like it takes several chapters for anything interesting to actually happen, minor references to sexual abuse, nothing happens but those words are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-18 19:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14220222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oui_oui_mon_ami/pseuds/cyber-netes
Summary: As soon as people become suspicious, rumours start to spread.An Iliad Modern AU where everyone just assumes that Achilles and Patroclus are dating because of the way they act around each other.





	1. Briseis

**Author's Note:**

> a few things
> 
> \- i have a lot of modern au headcanons which may make no sense to anyone that isn't me, so lmk in the comments if anything needs to be explained (also some of the headcanons may be ooc i don't consider myself an expert but these are the characterisations i've come up with from reading the iliad and other adaptations of the trojan war so pls don't come at me if you don't agree)
> 
> \- for those of you who have only read tsoa, i don't think mynes made an appearance or was ever mentioned?? (idk it's been ages since i read it) but he was briseis' husband before the greeks (namely achilles) killed him and took briseis captive. if you've read 'for the most beautiful' by emily hauser you'll know what a cool guy he is
> 
> \- if you like this fic, pls pls leave kudos and/or comments that would be really appreciated <3

As soon as people become suspicious, rumours start to spread.

Said rumours are often heard by **Briseis** , who is Achilles’ and Patroclus’ closest friend besides each other. The three are almost inseparable outside of class, never running out of things to talk and laugh about. Despite the fact that her English is not quite perfect yet, Briseis feels more at home with them than she has done since leaving Istanbul. One time Achilles made a terrible joke involving an awful pun, and it shouldn’t have been funny but it was one of the few puns Briseis understood at the time, and she laughed so hard partly because she could and partly because of the exasperated, tired look Patroclus gave Achilles that reminded her exactly of that picture she had seen on the internet of that one man staring out of the window with a cigarette that suddenly made things twice as funny. She wished she had her camera handy so that she could capture that expression. And soon Patroclus was giving her a confused, miserable look because he didn’t understand how she could have found the joke funny, and then Achilles’ shoulders were shaking up and down in silent laughter and Patroclus couldn’t hold his expression and burst into giggles at his two best friends. They were still laughing fifteen minutes later when Briseis realised she was running late for a class: every time the laughter ceased, someone remembered what they were laughing about in the first place and burst into laughter again at how stupid it was. Briseis was still holding back the odd giggle during her class until Mynes finally asked her what she kept smiling about.

Despite being totally comfortable with them, Briseis still feels like a third wheel from time to time. She wonders if that’s just her: even as a child, she was never able to make many friends because her interests were so different to everyone else’s. But the boys’ efforts to include her in their conversations suggests otherwise. She’s often asked by people whose names she doesn’t know which of the two she is dating, or, a couple of times, she’s asked if all three of them are dating; it took a simple Google search to learn about the term ‘polyamory’. And, of course, she replies that she’s dating neither – in fact, she’s currently in a relationship with a literature and film student, his name is Mynes, he’s going to be a famous screenwriter one day – but she does wonder if Achilles and Patroclus are… involved. They certainly are tactile enough to be, they always seem to be touching each other in some way, from an arm slung around the other’s shoulders to practically sitting on top of each other to the simple brush of fingers over an arm in reassurance. But the only problem with this logic is that if they were together, why wouldn’t they have told Briseis?

She relays this dilemma to Mynes, who sits and listens calmly, never interrupting unlike so many men she’s met. Finally he leans forwards, brow furrowed in thought, and Briseis wants to take a photograph because it looks like Rodin’s _The Thinker_. Except Mynes has clothes on. “Maybe,” he says eventually, “they don’t want to be official because they’re not sure how people will react.”

Briseis frowns. “But… what about me? I’m their best friend, they must believe that I’ll support them.”

“Well, they know how much of a gossip you are.”

Briseis gasps, offended. “I am not a gossip!”

“You’re sharing all this information with me. I think that qualifies you as a gossip.” Mynes gives her a wink.

Briseis still isn’t convinced, not until her birthday party a few weeks later. She wants it to be small, so invites only Achilles, Patroclus, Mynes, and a few girls she’s become friends with through her frequent runs and trips to the gym. She has music playing through speakers in her room and probably too much alcohol for the small group. Because most of them have lectures the next day, the girls leave fairly early, thanking Briseis for the fun night. By around 1am only Mynes, Achilles and Patroclus are left besides her. They’ve all had a little too much to drink and Briseis sits on her bed, vision slightly blurry, listening to the slow song playing quietly enough not to disturb her neighbours. Mynes has passed out in her armchair, snoring softly. Achilles and Patroclus are in the middle of the room… slow dancing?

Briseis blinks, hard, to make sure the alcohol isn’t making her see things. She’s pretty sure that no one would spike her drinks.

But sure as day, there are her best friends, swaying slowly to the music. Achilles has his arms around Patroclus’ neck, and his head is nuzzled into the gap between Patroclus’ head and shoulder, and he looks half-asleep. Patroclus has his arms wrapped securely and protectively around Achilles’ waist, and he hums the melody into Achilles’ hair. Briseis smiles and discreetly takes a photograph to ensure that she isn’t dreaming. She won’t show it to anyone, but is it wrong for her to take every opportunity she gets to take candids of her best friends?


	2. Odysseus

**Odysseus** has been suspicious that there was something going on between them for a while, but he is totally convinced when Patroclus rushes into the second-hand bookstore he works at and slaps a piece of paper down on his desk. "Please tell me you have these in," he says desperately.

Odysseus scans the writing on the paper. "These are all romance novels, and mostly not very good ones at that," he replies. "I didn't take you for a romance novel person." The corner of his mouth curves into a slight smirk.

"Don't judge a book by its cover," Patroclus jokes, "and they're not for me, they're for Achilles' birthday. He likes romance, but don't tell him I told you that. None of the other bookstores have them."

“With good reason,” Odysseus mutters as he taps each title into the old computer database – he needs to get Diomedes to help him update the system – and retrieves each book from its place on the shelf. The whole process takes the best part of forty-five minutes because the vast majority of books are on the wrong shelves. “Why the hell is a sci-fi thriller in the romance section?” Odysseus mutters under his breath. He swears that Daedalus, the owner of this labyrinth of a bookstore, is going to kill him with his lack of organisation one day.

“Maybe there’s a romantic subplot?” Patroclus offers from behind him, his arms piled high with books.

“Pfft. Unnecessary romantic subplots. Why does the media industry think they’re so essential?” Odysseus scoffs, placing another book on the pile that Patroclus is carrying. “You’re lucky you came here during my shift. This amount of book-searching probably would have killed Daedalus. And it’s a good thing this job pays well, or I would have quit by now.”

Eventually the task is done and Odysseus scans each book, which again takes ages thanks to this painfully slow system from the early 2000s. "You seriously want twenty-seven books?" he finally asks.

Patroclus pulls a face. "I've probably overdone it a little. But imagine Achilles’ face when he opens book after book after book-" he giggles.

Odysseus raises an eyebrow and rings up the total. "Alright... that comes to seventy three fifty."

That wipes the smile right off Patroclus' face. "Crap… I only have sixty on me. Any chance I can haggle with you?"

Odysseus rolls his eyes. "I suppose, since you're such a...” he glances down at the wall of romance novels between them, “loyal customer. You pay sixty for the books and you get me a copy of Penelope's notes on Lucretius. You're friends with her, right?"

"I know her a little. But why can't you ask her yourself?"

"Well... I don't know her that well, and she probably doesn't trust me anyway," Odysseus replies, feeling his face heat up.

Patroclus smirks. "I've been there, mate."

Odysseus clears his throat. "So, do we have a deal?"

"Sure," Patroclus replies, handing over the cash and helping pile book after book into carrier bags. “But you should talk to Penelope. She’s nice.”

Odysseus nods. “Send Achilles my regards for… whenever his birthday is. My present is helping you find all these books, which I am never doing again.” He watches Patroclus walk out of the bookstore weighed down by several bags of books and thinks a) _how the heck is that man strong enough to carry all of that, how often does he work out_ , and b) _wow, he definitely has it bad for Achilles_.


	3. Diomedes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for a chapter in the pov of one of my underappreciated faves ^_^
> 
> btw i headcanon odysseus as bisexual and diomedes as grey ace in case y'all are wondering from how i write them..

Naturally, Odysseus shares all gossip he uncovers with **Diomedes** , who is at first doubtful. "I thought Achilles liked women," he says.

"Bisexual people exist, Diomedes," Odysseus sighs.

"Right, right, sorry," Diomedes replies. "So you caught them making out? Or... worse?"

"No! No, no. But... come on, don't tell me you haven't noticed the way they act around each other all the time."

"Like best friends? Dude, you can't just see two guys expressing a little affection towards each other and immediately label it as gay. You know what Helen keeps saying about toxic masculinity."

"Okay, okay. But this is different. Yesterday, Patroclus came into the bookstore and bought twenty-seven books for Achilles' birthday. That's over seventy quid for a birthday present! And they look at each other like how Menelaus looks at Helen, or how Hector and Andromache look at each other. I want someone to look at me like that."

"Wow, someone's pining."

"Shut up..." Odysseus whines, scowling.

"But now that you mention it, there is an awful lot of blushing between them when they interact," Diomedes says. "I originally took it for something most people do around them, seeing as they are fairly attractive. Everyone on the football team seems to be somewhat attracted to Achilles in particular."

"Everyone except you?" Odysseus asks, raising an eyebrow.

Diomedes shrugs. "I'm sure I'll get there. But okay. I trust you too much, I swear, but let's say I believe you. Will that shut you up about this? I have an essay to write."

There is a sudden knock on the door and Odysseus crosses the room to open it. Achilles is standing there, looking half-dead from exhaustion... wearing Patroclus' sweater. Diomedes can tell because Patroclus wore it two days ago and it's like two sizes too big on Achilles' slight, lean body. "Look, I know I look like shit, but you would too if you had pulled an all nighter for a test this afternoon."

"Been there, done that, not a good enough excuse," Odysseus deadpans.

"How can we help?" Diomedes asks slightly more caringly.

"Who was the Greek dude who did a load of theories and things about music? Like measuring out the length of a string that would play a certain note? I think he was a vegan too?"

"Pythagoras?" Odysseus supplies, sounding incredibly bored. Diomedes can see him roll his eyes from behind.

"That's the one!" Achilles exclaims, grinning. "I would have looked it up but both my phone and my laptop are out of charge. Which means all my notes are lost..." he giggles nervously before starting to back away. "Thanks, you two."

"Achilles," Odysseus calls after him. "Two things: first, Pythagoras was vegetarian, not vegan. Second... you know you're wearing Patroclus' jumper?"

"What? I'm not-" Achilles glances down. "Oh." A blush darkens his cheeks. "Well, he won't mind. I look better in it than he does, anyway." He flashes a dazzling grin before speedwalking away.

Odysseus closes the door and turns around slowly, wearing a shit-eating smirk that reads 'I told you so'.

"You do know that no one's certain whether or not Pythagoras was completely vegetarian, right? That he may have allowed all meat except that of oxen used for ploughing?"

Odysseus scowls at him. "Achilles wouldn't have cared about the minor details. And you're just bitter that I'm right."

"Sharing clothes doesn't mean anything," Diomedes tries to argue, but a raised eyebrow from Odysseus silences him. "Fine, fine, you win. You were right."

Odysseus grins. "Now, was that really that hard to say?"


	4. Helen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's do a chapter with one of the most misunderstood characters in the whole of greek mythology now!!
> 
> so yeah helen of sparta/troy is often vilified but that's rlly not how i see her?? like, she was manipulated by aphrodite into running off with paris and she very clearly regrets that in the iliad, and then she comes back as menelaus' kickass wife in the odyssey. there's so much more i could say about her but i'm not going to write a whole essay for you in the notes.
> 
> she's actually a good person so i've written her as an outwardly confident woman who is an absolute ally and tries to teach tolerance wherever she goes (including to her /loving/ boyfriend menelaus who was brought up with a lot of intolerant beliefs but wants to fix that, but you'll see that in a later chapter >_^)
> 
> that's all i'm going to say here so without further ado enjoy this next chapter!

Although she shares barely any classes with them, self-proclaimed queen of gossip **Helen** tasks herself with finding out for certain if the rumours are true that Achilles and Patroclus are dating. Not for any malicious purpose, but simply to satisfy her own curiosity. And because she can’t be tainting her reputation by spreading false rumours, can she?

She has a sport psychology class with Achilles so sits herself down next to him before the beginning of class one day. Achilles gives her a slightly strange look as he sets his class prep out, but she smiles sweetly back. "How are you, Achilles? We haven't spoken in a while."

"No, we haven't,” Achilles replies warily. “Any reason why we're speaking today? Do you want something from me?"

Helen mocks being wounded in her chest, holding a hand up to her heart. "Apart from merely to check up on a friend of mine? Except, now that you mention it, I think that you and your moody ass need to go on a date. I have a friend who would be perfect for you. Do you know Penthesilea?"

"I'm not interested."

"Okay, fair enough. I know that you're bisexual, and I don't want to only give you options that play to the heteronormative nature of society, so how about someone like Antilochus? I'm about ninety seven percent certain he's already interested in you. If you say yes quickly, we can set you two up before class is over."

"Again, thank you for the offer, but I'm still not interested. Just like the last time you tried to set me up. And the time before that. And, no doubt, just like the next time you try to set me up."

"Okay, okay, fair. You're totally off the market, I understand. Any reason why?” She leans forward, faking realisation. “Ooh, have you already found yourself a special someone without my help, you independent young man?" Achilles turns bright red and Helen does a mental fistpump. _Jackpot_. "You _have_! Oh my word! Who? Do I know them?"

"Helen, you know everybody in this college,” Achilles mutters.

"Touché. That doesn't narrow it down at all. I can’t help being so friendly. Anyway, I'm going to change the subject now, seeing as you're clearly looking uncomfortable. How's your roommate?” She taps her manicured nails on the desk, pretending to be deep in thought. “Oh… what’s his name? We're in the same biological psychology class, extremely handsome, looks like he has excellent upper body strength? _What’s his name?_ Oh, of course! Patroclus!"

Achilles turns an even deeper shade of red, which should have been impossible, and shifts in his seat. Helen smiles serenely as the professor finally begins the class. She has all the proof she needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a really short chapter actually so i might upload again later today, i might not..


	5. Ajax

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another kinda short chapter.. sorry
> 
> ajax son of telamon (big ajax) was the cool one who should have got achilles' armour after his death but didn't bc odysseus cheated his way into obtaining it. so ajax overreacted a little bit and fell on his sword. and yes he was achilles' cousin. everyone is related in greek mythology (achilles and patroclus are actually cousins in some versions of the myths)
> 
> ajax son of oileus (little ajax) was the douchebag who raped cassandra in athena's temple. luckily athena was having none of that and threw her dad's lightning bolt at him on his way home, killing him.
> 
> idomeneus and meriones were basically co-commanders from crete and i sensed a lot of sexual tension between them when i was reading the iliad js (and yes they are related in some way or another in canon but i choose to ignore that here)

In all honesty, **Ajax Telamonides** is a little jealous. Not of either one of them – Achilles is his cousin, for heaven's sake, and Patroclus reminds him too much of a younger, slightly more naïve, version of himself – but of the relationship that they have. He wants to be openly sappy with someone, but the problem is that most people are slightly scared of him, and the ones that aren't usually aren't attracted to men.

The day before Valentine's Day he sits down beside Achilles in the changing rooms. "'Sup, cuz."

"Hey, Ajax." Achilles is shirtless, drops of water from his shower still clinging to his skin, and Ajax knows that their teammates are staring. He’s sure Achilles knows that too, not that he cares. If the option were there for him to have sex with a clone of himself, Achilles would probably take it.

"So, tomorrow night, me and some of the guys – the single ones, y'know – are gonna go into town, get something to eat. Probably at a McDonald's because nowhere fancier will have room for us. Like a crappy group date. Do you and Patroclus want to join us?" He had suggested the idea after Little Ajax had been rejected by Cassandra for the second year in a row. Ajax tries to tell him that Cassandra is just not interested, that she never will be, that she’s a lesbian, that Little Ajax is starting to come off as one of those crazy stalker men, but the man just does not listen. He’s either going to get the police called on him eventually or be involved in some kind of sexual assault, and neither of those would be ideal.

There aren’t many of them on the football team who are single, not since Idomeneus and Meriones finally got their shit together and did something about the unbearable sexual tension between them (and by ‘got their shit together’ Ajax means ‘got locked in the locker room until they sorted out their feelings and banged’). As of right now, the Ajaxes are being accompanied by Diomedes, Antilochus, Teucer and Automedon (although he has heard gossip that Automedon wants to ask Antilochus out this year). He would have invited Deiphobus and Troilus, but didn’t think it would have been a good idea considering Little Ajax is borderline harassing their sister.

He sighs. He really does need to keep his friend in check.

“Thanks for the offer,” Achilles replies. "As much as I'd love to be part of your crappy group date, Patroclus and I… we’re doing something else. We're going to get takeaway and watch rom coms until we fall asleep in front of the TV. It's kind of tradition."

 _Huh, I wasn't aware they had been dating for quite that long, maybe a couple of years but not long enough to have traditions_ , Ajax thinks. "Okay, well I hope you enjoy your equally crappy real date," he says as Achilles is walking away. He doesn't notice the way Achilles tenses slightly at the word 'date', a blush creeping up his neck.


	6. Menelaus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for another kinda misunderstood character yay
> 
> srsly though menelaus does love helen and he's trying his best so @ troy fall of a city writers, lay off him ok? my boy's not a psychopath

News tends to spread around campus pretty quickly, especially when done so by Helen, so naturally **Menelaus** quickly hears about Achilles' and Patroclus' romance. He doesn't believe it at first. "Helen, I've been playing football with these two for a year and a half, you'd think I'd have noticed something as big as this by now."

"Well, no offence honey, but you do tend to be a little oblivious sometimes. Remember when you didn't realise Hector and Andromache were dating until you got an invite to their anniversary party?"

"In my defence, I don't tend to hang out with either of them that much."

"They were literally making out once while you were in the room."

"Wasn't that the time I was rereading The Hobbit? You know how engrossed I get with Tolkien. And no offence to you, honey, but you do have a habit of spreading false rumours."

Helen gasps. "Untrue slander!" she cries. "I'll have you know that I fact-check my news from multiple sources before letting the world know. I'm not a rumour-mongering bitch."

"We're calling it 'news' now? Well I still call bullshit. There's no way Achilles and Patroclus are dating. As Donald Trump has said countless times…” he pouts and makes a ring with his thumb and index finger, “it's ‘fake news'."

Helen pulls a face. "Honey, that impression of Trump really turns me off."

"I can't say I blame you."

"Anyway, it's not fake news. I asked around and Odysseus and Briseis both believe that there's romance in the air."

"Okay, well I trust Odysseus as a source of information about as far as I can throw him, but I am surprised about Briseis. She doesn't seem the type to spread rumours, but knowing your tendency to get all women into that kind of thing-"

"Sexist and wrong," Helen interrupts, a hand rushing up to Menelaus’ face.

"Okay, you're right about that and I apologise," he sighs.

"Apology accepted," Helen says, smiling, "after all, that's why I'm here. I guide you on the right path, away from the darkness of intolerance and towards true allyship."

"My point is, I'm going to need to see some proof myself before jumping to conclusions."

"Fair, fair, of course, my Othello."

"You do realise that Othello is a tragedy and the title character kills his wife and then himself?"

"Of course. I read the play. In fact, I’ll have you know that I scored an A plus in my English Lit exam that term. That’s right, I’m not just a pretty face. But in this situation, I am Iago. Your super smart right hand man who may or may not be sexually attracted to you-"

"May or may not be?"

"But, most importantly, I live through the play. You can’t kill me, honey."

"But I do stab you."

"Well, we all have our faults. And don’t worry, I forgive you for that. But I bet you that you'll have your ‘ocular proof’ within the week, or you can have a fancy dinner at that restaurant you like, on me."

"And if I'm wrong?"

"I get a new pair of shoes. You know those sneakers I pointed out to you the other day? The sparkly ones?"

"Deal."

Turns out Menelaus doesn't have to wait long for his proof. Only one day, in fact. He's watching the men kick footballs to each other when Achilles accidentally aims a little too low and kicks the ball, hard, so that it catches Patroclus' head. Menelaus stands up, ready to run over with the first aid kit, but he wants to see how this plays out first. Achilles has rushed to Patroclus' side and is kneeling down to check his friend over. Then he slowly helps Patroclus up and they exchange a few words, their conversation out of Menelaus' earshot. Then, finally, Achilles presses a kiss lightly to Patroclus' forehead.

Now, either Menelaus needs to get these so-called 'toxic gender roles' out of his head, or that's not something one would do to someone who was just a friend. The gesture was too intimate, too gentle, like something he and Helen would do...

Menelaus sighs. He's going to have to borrow some money from Agamemnon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes achilles kissed patroclus on the forehead i'm a sucker for forehead kisses ok they're so cute


	7. Cassandra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can i just say first how much i a d o r e cassandra and she does not deserve what happens to her in canon. i hc her as a huge lesbian with a massive crush on her bff chryseis (yknow the daughter of the priest of apollo who gets taken by agamemnon as a war prize which results in a massive plague bc agamemnon won't give her back? she's also in 'for the most beautiful' by emily hauser and i love her too)
> 
> also i changed the total chapter count from 9 to 10 bc i wrote a super long extra chapter so look forward to that ;^)

**Cassandra** is thrilled when Helen passes the news on to her. She knew that Achilles and Patroclus had been a couple at least since the start of college. But barely anyone had believed her, so she mainly kept it to herself, smiling at the boys from afar.

A term into first year, she had had to ask Patroclus for help with her maths homework. One would think that she was studying for a degree in maths because she was good at it, right? But no, her father hadn't wanted her to study philosophy. A joint honours programme in maths and philosophy had been their compromise. And she hated it. Luckily Patroclus seemed nice enough, not actively seeking out friends but kind to everyone nonetheless, and he was good at maths and very happy to tutor her, as it turned out.

A couple of sessions in, a boy that Cassandra recognised from her brothers' football practice accompanied Patroclus to their desk at the library. "You know Achilles, right?" Patroclus asked. Achilles, of course. The boy who was practically attached to Patroclus when they weren't in class. Patroclus could barely go five minutes without mentioning him in some way or another.

"I don't think we've properly met," she replied. "I'm Cassandra."

"Cassandra, nice to meet you. Patroclus dragged me here to work on an essay where he can supervise me and keep me from procrastinating," he glared at Patroclus, but was met with a shrug that clearly said 'it's for your own good', "but I won't bother you." He was charming, sure. And he had brought a stack of notes and his laptop with him, so Cassandra was hopeful that she could still be productive.

Boy, was she wrong. Achilles and Patroclus would not stop flirting the entire session. At one point, Achilles literally lay down and put his head on Patroclus' lap while the other man just sat there, face red. Eventually he continued to talk Cassandra through trigonometric functions while absent-mindedly playing with Achilles' hair.

Cassandra should have been annoyed at her tutoring being disrupted, but they were just so cute. _Young love_ , she had thought with a sigh. She just wished she could gather up the courage to ask Chryseis out so that she could have that kind of romance too.


	8. Hector

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooooo time for my boy the breaker of horses
> 
> so in this modern au i hc that hector and achilles are actually p good friends while still being rival strikers on the football team. kind of like that "best friends off the court, worst enemies on it" tweet you know the one

It takes a while for **Hector** to catch on to the rumours. Although most people are friendly to him, he only has a few people who he trusts enough to call real friends. He suspects people are slightly scared of him. So it's not until he sees it for himself that he realises what's been going on.

Hector, Achilles, Patroclus and a few of their other teammates go to the smoothie place down the road after a particularly successful victory. "Oh, shit," Patroclus mutters as they stand in line. "I left my wallet in my room."

"No problem, I'll get your smoothie," Achilles offers.

"Mate, you barely have enough money for your own smoothie. I'll just grab a table for us all."

As Patroclus walks off, Hector checks his own wallet for cash. "I can get one for him," he says.

"No, he'd never accept it," Achilles replies wistfully. "My stubbornness has rubbed off on him. That, alongside his selflessness, makes for a pretty frustrating combination. Charming, but frustrating."

They order in turn and sit down to wait, chatting amicably. Soon the waitress serves their drinks, including a banana split milkshake with two straws. "That's mine," he says, ignoring Patroclus' frown and Deiphobus' comment of "Plastic straws kill the environment."

"You can't be so generous, Achilles," Patroclus says, blushing.

"Don't be silly," Achilles replies. "This is a communist dictatorship, meaning I can command you to share this milkshake with me and there's nothing you can do about it."

"I don't think that's exactly how communism works," Patroclus tries to protest.

"Do I look like I care? Pfft, I’m not Odysseus. Anyway, I got your favourite flavour, and it would be such a shame to waste all that potassium..."

By this time, Achilles is practically sitting on Patroclus' lap, batting his eyelids. "Fine," Patroclus relents, face dark with a blush.

Achilles gives a yelp of delight and pushes the glass towards him. "Cheers."

Hector has been watching the whole thing from his seat, exchanging looks with Troilus, Deiphobus, Idomeneus and Meriones. They don't seem at all surprised: apparently everyone except him knows how serious Achilles and Patroclus are.

Antenor leans over to him. "We could use this for blackmail if you wanted, Hector," he whispers.

Hector glares at him. "What? Are you kidding? We're not using this for blackmail, firstly because there's nothing to be ashamed of, and secondly because they both seem pretty open about their sexuality." He knows that Patroclus is gay, he's been as out as possible ever since he started college. But he assumed that Achilles was exclusively into girls. _Well, you learn something new every day_ , he thinks as he takes another sip of his smoothie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw plastic straws are rlly bad for the environment don't use them this has been a psa


	9. Patroclus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe the last two chapters of this fic are almost as long as the rest of the fic lmaoooo
> 
> anyway the big reveal is finally here!!!

**Patroclus** first hears of these rumours through the last person one would expect.

By this time, most of the college population is aware that he and Achilles are an item, so it is a wonder that he doesn’t find out that he’s part of the main story on campus for a good couple of months, not until Aeneas, of all people, approaches him and the metaphorical cat is let out of the metaphorical bag.

Aeneas seems like a nice kid. Patroclus doesn’t have much in common with him outside of the football team, so they’ve never had much of a chance to talk, but from the couple of conversations they have had Patroclus gathers that he’s sweet, unexpectedly loud despite the quiet façade he puts on, responsible, probably Hector’s biggest fan. The type of person Patroclus wouldn’t mind sharing his biology notes with, if Aeneas were ever to ask.

Patroclus finds himself sitting next to Aeneas during a football game against a rival university. The team’s subs don’t expect to see a lot of action on the pitch because the starting team is so good, but they like to turn up anyway just in case, and to show support. Patroclus sits forward, watching Achilles dodge between defenders and pass the ball to Hector, who kicks it into the corner of the goal. The team yells in triumph.

“I’m glad their rivalry doesn’t get in the way of their teamwork,” Aeneas says.

“Achilles and Hector act like they’re worst enemies most of the time, but in truth Achilles admires your cousin to no end. He barely ever shuts up about Hector, you’d think he’s half in love with the guy,” Patroclus replies, keeping his eyes on the pitch where Diomedes and Odysseus are seamlessly passing the ball from one to the other, as if they can read each other’s minds. Sometimes Patroclus does wonder if they can.

“And you don’t get jealous?” Aeneas asks, frowning.

“Why would I? Achilles is allowed to have other friends.”

Aeneas hums, still frowning in puzzlement. “Can I ask you for some advice?” he asks a while later.

“Sure.”

“Do you know Dido? The Muslim girl in first year who’s doing a triple major? I think she’s in one of your ecology modules?”

Patroclus knows her. Dido only started college last autumn but she applied to take a more specialised second-year ecology module. Patroclus worked with her for a group presentation and was slightly intimidated by how much she knows about… well, everything. She’s like Odysseus, but with a better makeup game and far more control over her life. “Yes. She’s a nice girl. Very clever.”

“I know. I want to ask her out, but I’m not sure how, or if I even should, to be honest.”

“Well, I would recommend going for it if you really like her, and she seems kind enough to turn you down gently if she doesn’t like you back. As for how… I’d just keep it simple. Maybe buy her a cup of tea or a cake or something and tell her.” Patroclus shrugs. “To be honest, I don’t know if I’m the best person to ask about this kind of thing considering I haven’t been in a relationship in five years, and before that I went on two dates with a very nice girl and promptly realised I was gay.”

“Wait, wait. You’re single?”

Patroclus nods.

“ _Single_ as in… not dating Achilles?”

Patroclus frowns. “Where did you get the idea that I was dating Achilles?” He feels his face start to prickle with heat at the mere thought of dating his best friend, which is _crazy_ and _embarrassing_ because there is _no way_ Achilles could ever like him back.

Aeneas looks shocked. He glances around, leans closer to Patroclus and lowers his voice. “You do realise that the entire football team, and most of the student population, think that you are, right?”

“ _What?_ ”

“Oh my god. You’re really not dating him?”

_“No!”_

“Oh. Okay.” Aeneas sits back and stares out at the football pitch. “I’ve just made things really awkward now, haven’t I?”

Patroclus fidgets through the rest of the game, ignoring their team’s score gradually increasing. Why would people think that he and Achilles were dating? And how come this is the first he’s heard of it? As soon as the game ends, he rushes to the locker room to change, feeling ill. Aeneas calls after him guiltily.

Of course, Patroclus can’t deny that he and Achilles are particularly tactile, even for best friends. Achilles has always been like that, unafraid to drape himself over Patroclus, but he does that to most of his friends. Those who let him, that is, which isn’t that many. And men should be allowed to be physically affectionate.

Sure, Patroclus would like to date Achilles, but it’s an unrealistic fantasy. Patroclus is lucky to be friends with someone as attractive and talented as Achilles who would never have given him the time of day had he not been a family friend, so there’s no way he is going to push his luck with a romantic relationship. It’s better to have Achilles love him as a friend than not at all.

He changes quickly, the humid air stifling him, and waits outside the locker room for Achilles to emerge. As soon as he spots a head of blond hair he grabs Achilles’ arm and pulls him away from the conversation he is having with Hector. He would feel guilty if this was not so important. “We need to talk,” he says quietly.

Achilles’ expression of confusion quickly becomes one of worry when he sees the urgency in Patroclus’ eyes. He nods and says a quick goodbye to Hector before following Patroclus out of the sports complex.

Patroclus considers having the conversation back in their room, but he feels like he might explode if he doesn’t talk about this immediately, so settles for a picnic table around the back of the indoor swimming pool. It’s not ideal: the air smells of chlorine and the weather is nice enough for a few other people to be outside, but it’ll do. He sits down and takes a deep breath.

Achilles sits next to him instead of opposite him on the other side of the table, leaning forward so he can search Patroclus’ face. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Did you know that the whole university thinks that we’re dating?”

Achilles frowns. “And…?”

Patroclus clenches his fists. “Doesn’t that bother you?”

“I…” Achilles swallows. “I thought we _were_ dating?”

Patroclus’ mouth has suddenly gone dry. “What?”

“I don’t know, that’s what I thought it meant, all the flirting and the… the slow-dancing! And sharing drinks! That’s couple-y stuff!”

Patroclus suddenly stands up. He has to walk, has to let off some steam. He paces back and forth, Achilles watching him from the bench. “And you assumed all of that meant that we were…” he can’t bring himself to say it, settles for a vague hand gesture instead, “ _you know_.” He sighs. “Why did you never ask me? Never try to do anything more?”

Achilles shrugs, eyes wide. “I don’t know! I thought, maybe, you wanted to take it slow, not make it official in case things didn’t work out? I swear it never occurred to me that you might not feel the same way, I thought it was obvious…”

“And how long did you assume we’ve been dating for?”

“Like… since the last year of secondary school?”

Patroclus stops short, quickly doing the mental maths. “Three… _nearly three years?_ You thought that we’ve been dating for nearly _three fucking years?_ ” He strides to where Achilles has stood up, getting in his personal space and pinning him to the picnic table. Achilles leans away from him, flinching as if he expects Patroclus to hit him, which makes the part of Patroclus that is not enraged right now pretty sad. He takes a couple of deep breaths, unable to meet Achilles’ eyes. Achilles is blushing, and he’s faintly aware in the back of his mind that his cheeks feel hot too. Whether that’s from anger or something else is hard to tell. “You’re a bloody idiot, Achilles.”

Achilles nods fervently. “I know. I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I caused you embarrassment and pain and… and I promise I never spread any rumours about us, and I never confirmed them, but I never quite denied them either…”

“Achilles.”

“…but I promise that I will change all that. I’ll tell the whole university that we’re not dating, and never were, and, and you never have to talk to me again if you don’t want to.”

“ _Achilles_.”

“To be honest, I wouldn’t blame you.”

_“Achilles!”_

“What, Patroclus? I’m trying to give you a heartfelt apology here.”

“What if…” Patroclus finally meets Achilles’ gaze and is surprised to see his best friend’s eyes red-rimmed. He gently wipes a tear from Achilles’ cheek with his thumb. “What if I did feel the same way?”

“You… what?”

“What if I did want to date you?”

Achilles swallows. Clears his throat. Glances down at Patroclus’ lips. “And do you?” he asks.

Patroclus doesn’t bother to answer that in words. His face is centimetres away from Achilles’, so it only takes him a second to lean down and brush their lips together. Immediately Achilles lets out a moan and pushes upwards, wrapping his arms around Patroclus’ neck and hanging on for dear life. Patroclus puts his hands on Achilles’ hips, gently, as if he is holding something delicate and made of glass, and darts his tongue into Achilles’ mouth. Achilles’ breath hitches and he kisses harder, hungrier, his right hand roaming upwards to entwine in Patroclus’ curly hair.

When they break apart for air, Achilles looks like he’s slightly in shock, his eyes wide and mouth half-open. With a shock of pride, Patroclus realises that he’s the one who made him look like that. “Is that a good enough answer for you?” he asks, surprised at how gravelly his voice suddenly sounds.

Achilles blinks slowly and clears his throat. “Tongue on the first kiss?” he says with one eyebrow raised and a charming smile that makes Patroclus’ knees go weak. “A little desperate, aren’t we?”

“Don’t judge me, I’m merely catching up on the kissing that I missed out on for three years.”

“Are you going to keep bringing that up?”

“Obviously.”

“Well, I know something else we both missed out on for those three years.”

Patroclus swallows thickly. “Oh?”

“So what do you say we skip the team smoothie date and do some more _catching up_?” Achilles asks in a low voice, winking.

“Sounds like a plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> holy wow achilles how stupid can you get thinking y'all were dating for years and just taking it slow........


	10. Achilles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here have a massive long chapter where the boys just get super flustered around each other :^)

Strangely, the next time the pair meet up with their friends, no one seems to notice anything. Or maybe not _strangely_ , **Achilles** thinks, if they already think he and Patroclus were dating. To him, nothing much has changed, mostly because he too thought they were dating. To Patroclus, though, Achilles suspects that this might take some getting used to.

There are definitely some perks to actually openly talking about their feelings:  
1) the kissing. Achilles now can't understand how he managed to survive all those years without Patroclus' lips on his all the time. If Patroclus' kisses are a drug, Achilles is an addict with no intention of going to rehab.   
2) the sex. Another thing that Achilles can no longer imagine life without. Their first time, just after they had talked through everything and confessions had been made, was clumsy and messy and amazing, and Achilles knew from then on that he is addicted to sex with Patroclus too.   
3) Patroclus being even more of a romantic than usual. Seriously, if Achilles had known how much more of a romantic Patroclus could be, there was no way he would have thought they were dating these last few years. Patroclus whispers cute things into Achilles' ear at night that make Achilles melt. He waits outside Achilles' lectures with a picnic lunch so that they can have a study date under the shade of a tree. The first time Patroclus tells Achilles he loves him will stay in Achilles' memories forever.

They are on the floor of their room with books strewn everywhere. Achilles is looking at a handout about muscles, humming. Patroclus is lying with his head in Achilles' lap, catching up on his assigned reading while Achilles gently cards his fingers through his hair. Achilles tries to take in the information on the handout - Patroclus has even highlighted the key points and added extra information for him - but he can't focus on anything except the song in his head and Patroclus' head in his lap. It's a pretty insignificant moment, in the grand scheme of things, but Achilles still feels like they're in a bubble, and this moment could last forever if they want it to.

"Do you think you're destined for something great?" Patroclus asks out of the blue.

"Why?"

Patroclus hums. "Just wondering. Thinking about the future."

Achilles thinks for a moment. Is he destined for greatness? Does he even believe in destiny? There is something romantic about the idea of fate, particularly if he applies that to him and Patroclus. Like they're destined to be together because they're perfect for each other. But the idea of not having any control over his life also worries him. "I believe that we decide what to do with our lives, and no one else should have that power over us," he replies, "but... I do want to change the world. In some way or another, preferably for the better. I'm not sure how, but I'm working on it."

Patroclus nods. "Do you want to do that because of the fame? The glory?"

"Partly. Partly because it's the right thing to do. I mean, even changing the life of one person could count as changing the world."

Patroclus is silent for a moment.

"You've changed my life."

Achilles puts down the handout and looks down into Patroclus' deep brown eyes. He could drown in those eyes. "How?"

Patroclus is caught between a frown and a laugh. "How?" he echoes, sitting up and turning around so that he can look straight at Achilles. "By becoming my best friend. My only friend, for several years. By believing in me enough for the both of us. By accepting me for who I am and helping me accept myself. And for showing me what love feels like." Patroclus breathes in and out and places a hand on Achilles' shoulder, gazing into Achilles' eyes as he licks his lips. "I love you, Achilles."

Achilles lets out a sob and flings his arms around Patroclus. "I love you too, Pat. And I'm the one who's lucky to have you in my life." And that's truer than anything: a straight-A medical student would never give a mediocre sports-science-slash-music student the time of day unless they were childhood friends. "I..." Achilles draws back to look at Patroclus. "Don't freak out, but I've been in love with you since we were twelve."

Patroclus laughs, eyes wide. "I fell in love with you when we were sixteen, at that party? Remember? We were both a little tipsy and decided to dance a slow song together as a joke but then... oh my god, did I talk you into something you were uncomfortable with?"

Achilles shakes his head quickly. "No, no! I was... more than comfortable with it, goodness knows. I thought that nothing would ever come of it, which is why I agreed to it. But I do remember you suddenly running off to the bathroom."

Patroclus pulls a face. "Yeah... I sat in there having a big old gay crisis before texting my dad to come pick me up."

Achilles laughs. "Well, I am honoured to have been your sexual awakening."

But tonight, they have to go to the Atreides’ dumb formal team dinner that marks the end of the football season. The team have made fantastic progress this year, ending up top of the college league tables, and Achilles is aware that he’s partly to thank for that, but in all honesty, he can’t think of a worse way to celebrate their success than a party where he has to wear a suit and make small talk and drink vintage wine. If he had it his way, the celebration would involve a buffet of takeaway pizza, beer pong, and Just Dance. Possibly also a karaoke stand because he would love to see a drunk Odysseus attempt to perform a one-man rendition of _Bohemian Rhapsody_.

Patroclus has disappeared off to Briseis’ room to get ready there, so Achilles has their room to himself. It doesn’t take him long to put on the only suit he owns, and he quickly pulls his long blond hair into a half-bun at the back of his head. He looks good, but not so groomed that he would appear in approval of the party.

He fiddles on his phone until he hears a key in the door “Achilles, are you dressed?” Patroclus calls. “I hope you are, because we’re already running late.”

“No, you can come in,” Achilles shouts back, smoothing down his tie and jacket and suddenly feeling self-conscious.

Patroclus sticks his head into the room. “I was going to come in whether or not you were dressed, dumbass,” he says, grinning. As his eyes flick over Achilles from head to toe, he swallows. “Wow, you look great.”

Achilles can feel his face grow hot from the attention, which is weird because normally he’s used to people complimenting him. But this feels different, coming from Patroclus. Someone he cares about so much that his opinion means everything to him. “Thanks,” he says, his throat suddenly dry. “Let’s have a look at you, then.”

Patroclus winks before throwing open the door and revealing him in a dark purple suit, black shirt and deep purple, almost black, tie. “Ta da!” he exclaims and pulls several poses in the doorway.

Achilles stares, open-mouthed, face hot. “Now…” he has to clear his throat. “This is really cheesy, but now I know the difference between handsome and fucking drop-dead gorgeous.”

Patroclus’ eyes widen as he freezes, his cheeks darkening. His mouth opens and closes a couple of times as he searches for a suitable response, like a fish. Achilles holds back a laugh.

“That’s a killer line, did you make that up yourself? I can’t see his face, Achilles, is he dead?” a familiar voice calls from the hallway.

Patroclus scowls in the direction of the voice. “I’m not dead, thank you very much, I was just searching for the right thing to say in response.”

“I don’t know, Briseis, I think I might have killed him a little bit.”

Briseis pokes her head in under Patroclus’ arm. She is holding her camera, like always. “Do you like the colour? I helped pick it out. It’s like those figs you love!”

Achilles slings and arm around Patroclus’ waist. “Fab. Two things I love in one.” He gives Patroclus a peck on the cheek. “I just want to eat him up.”

Patroclus groans. “Enough with the compliments, dude, I’m going to melt through the floor like the Wicked Witch of the West.”

Achilles grins. “Am I making you… wet?”

Patroclus’ eyes widen in horror and he flops face first onto his bed, whining loudly into the duvet. “That’s it. Dinner’s cancelled. I’ll be over here, dying,” he says, rolling onto his back.

Briseis sighs. “You’re going to crease your suit. Come on, up,” she says, pulling Patroclus onto his feet. “And you,” she points a threatening finger at Achilles, “behave.” Achilles holds his hands up in surrender as she pushes him next to Patroclus. “And now, I am going to take some photos of you so that I can use them in the album I am making for your wedding.” Achilles glances at Patroclus, who simply shrugs. Briseis arranges them in different poses and takes photos for what seems like years, and Achilles probably would have given her no more than two minutes if anyone other than Patroclus was by his side. Eventually she puts her camera away and pushes the boys out the door. “Now, hurry along or you’ll be late. Aw, I’m so glad that you are finally going somewhere as each other’s official dates. My two boys are growing up.”

“We’re not your sons, you know,” Achilles says.

“You say that like I did not basically adopt you at the start of first year. You both cannot survive without me.”

The pair walk to the party hand in hand. Agamemnon and Menelaus live in a fairly large house close to the campus grounds, which makes them the perfect party hosts. Except for the fact that Agamemnon is a killjoy and a snob and only likes parties where there is a dress code and smooth jazz playing in the background.

Menelaus greets them at the door. “Hello, you two. I’m glad you could make it. Or should I say, I’m glad you managed to dress Achilles up and drag him here, Patroclus,” he says, winking at them both.

Achilles rolls his eyes. “I wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t the promise of free food,” he replies.

“My opinion as well, but don’t tell my brother that,” Menelaus laughs.

The night passes Achilles by in a haze of warm lighting, soft music and red wine. Patroclus does most of the talking for the both of them while Achilles smiles and nods at the right times. Achilles doesn’t understand why people always take him for a social person, since he makes it clear that he doesn’t like most social gatherings and he isn’t a particularly friendly person. In fact, most people seem to get his and Patroclus’ personalities confused: while he is the distant, awkward, even _shy_ one, it’s _Patroclus_ who is the friendly one, exuding charisma like the sun. Achilles doesn’t know what he would do in situations like these without Patroclus. He probably would have learned how to handle himself, he thinks, since he can’t remember a time when Patroclus wasn’t by his side.

His grip on Patroclus’ hand tightens a little, subconsciously, and Patroclus excuses them both from a conversation to lead Achilles into a quiet corridor. “Is everything okay?” he asks.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Why do you ask?” Achilles replies.

Patroclus shrugs. “You seem quieter than normal. A little more stressed out.”

“Well, I don’t particularly enjoy these kinds of gatherings, but you already know that I guess. It’s fine. Just don’t abandon me somewhere, okay?”

“Why would I do that, now?” Patroclus asks softly, frowning. “I would never leave you in a situation where I know you’re not comfortable. And seriously, we don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to.”

Achilles pulls Patroclus towards him so that he’s sandwiched between him and the wall. “No. Trust me: anywhere you are is like a paradise.”

Patroclus lets out an “aww” before pressing his lips to Achilles’. Achilles kisses back, tasting wine and mint. He instinctively puts a hand on the back of Patroclus’ neck as Patroclus puts one hand on the wall above Achilles’ shoulder and the other cupping the side of Achilles’ face. Then Achilles hears someone clear their throat down the corridor and they spring apart.

Hector is leaning against the wall at the entrance to the main reception room, his girlfriend Andromache standing beside him, smiling. They are wearing matching shades of navy blue, with Hector wearing a burgundy t-shirt under his suit and Andromache’s dress skirt having blue, red and white stripes. It is one of the only times Achilles has seen Andromache wear a dress, and her long, dark brown hair, usually twisted into a messy topknot and shoved under a hat, trails down one shoulder. Achilles suspects that Helen has had a say in Andromache’s fashion choices for tonight.

“Uh, we just wanted to let you know that Menelaus has set up a secret Just Dance game in the basement that Agamemnon has no idea about,” Hector says. “I figured that might be something you’d be interested in, Achilles, unless you guys are happy eating each other’s faces for the rest of the evening.” He smirks as Achilles flips him off. “Seriously though, I was wondering when I was going to catch you two making out. You always seem two seconds from banging.”

Achilles suspects that he has turned bright red, but Patroclus just laughs. “Thanks for letting us know, Hector. About both of those things. We’ll be down in a little while.”

Hector nods. “Don’t have too much fun against that wall,” he says, winking before returning to the party.

When they are alone again, Patroclus turns to Achilles. “Always two seconds from banging, huh?”

Achilles groans. “Shut up. I’m sure you were no better, and you didn’t even think we were dating.”

Patroclus pulls a face. “Yeah, but I was never going to initiate it,” he scoffs. “Want to go downstairs and get out of this stiflingly formal social situation?”

“Please. I’d love to see the Priamides siblings doing the YMCA.”

Patroclus chuckles and laces their fingers together. “I love you,” he says softly.

“I know,” Achilles replies. Patroclus laughs again and bumps into him. “I love you too.”

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted andromache to make a brief appearance bc im lov her
> 
> ok now that that's over and done with i can go back to school and take my exams :^/ at times like this i wish i could just write fanfiction for a living

**Author's Note:**

> i love kudos and comments pls feed my inbox
> 
> my classics tumblr is cyber-netes so come say hi :^)


End file.
